


Convince me that I've been sick forever

by Wolvesta



Series: Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Getting Help, Getting Together, Group Therapy, Lena is a decent person in this, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-18 15:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21530179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolvesta/pseuds/Wolvesta
Summary: Prompt: Buck is struggling after the lawsuit and the alienation he feels from his team. He’s trying so hard to keep his head above water but no one seems to care that he is in pain. So, he finally starts going to group therapy and finds it actually helps. Of course, eventually, the team finds out when they and buck are called to an emergency during one of their sessions. And then the team wonders why Buck never reached out to them
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Lena Bosko & Evan Buckley (Friendship)
Series: Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551724
Comments: 28
Kudos: 687





	1. Chapter 1

3 weeks 

3 fucking weeks and he was still no closer to the team than he was when he first walked on that day. Buck didn’t misunderstand where the team was coming from, he knew that it wasn’t going to be all cupcakes and rainbows when he walked into the station. 

But he did enjoy the cupcake that Hen brought him on his first day back. But that was three weeks ago and he still can’t get them to at least talk to him for more than a few minutes. The only time they talked was during calls. 

He would at least think that Bobby would let him out on calls after he saved that guy who was stuck in that windshield of the car, but Bobby still has him stuck on chores. But he doesn’t complain. 

_He has no right to complain._

Buck can take the teasing from Chim, the disappointment from Bobby, the slightly sympathetic looks from Hen. But something he can’t take is the complete and utter silence from Eddie. Buck had tried and tried again to get Eddie to talk to him, but nothing ever worked. He’s getting tired of being ignored. 

_He’s been ignored for most of his life. Aside from his sister._

But she has her shit to deal with and Buck doesn’t want to drag her down with his problems. She’s getting help and she seems to be doing better for the first time in a long time. He knows he should talk to someone, but no one on the team is willing to listen nor talk to him. 

He found out that Eddie had been street fighting when Bobby had gathered the team for a meeting. Buck felt his hope rise and fall when Bobby yelled _That means you too Buckley._ While it felt nice to be included in a team activity, it hurt when Bobby called him Buckley. It’s formal and not friendly in any way possible. Eddie had told them all that he had been street fighting to keep his anger in check but he decided to go to an MMA gym after he almost killed a man. Bobby gave him a verbal warning and everyone else went up to him to show their support. 

_But when he stood up, Eddie walked away without looking at him_

And that’s when everything was starting to get to him. Not that he blew up over the littlest things, but he was tired. It was starting to get harder to do everything. 

_To get out of bed_

_To eat_

_To shower_

_To do his PT exercises_

_To exist_

Buck doesn’t know when everything was beginning to get so tiring. He would walk into the station with his head down and headphones in. Listening to the same song every time that somehow relates to his situation no matter what the day. 

_Lie to me_

**_Convince me that I've been sick forever_ **

_And all of this, Will make sense when I get better_

_but I know the difference_

_Between myself and my reflection_

_I just can't help but wonder_

_Which of us do you love?_

He spent all his time and energy faking the emotions he's supposed to be feeling. When Bobby told him to get in the truck to help out at an ice-skating rink, he wanted and knew he should feel happy and ecstatic that Bobby is allowing him to come on a call...but... 

_He can’t bring himself to feel that way_

But Buck plasters on a fake smile and nods in determination and accompanies them to the rink. 

{~}{~} 

When they get to the warehouse where the worker is trapped under the shelves, it brings back memories that Buck would rather forget. He’s back under the truck when he hears the man's screams, but luckily help came immediately and he wasn’t alone like Buck was for a while. Hen and Chim suit him up in the ambulance but Buck is still staring at the spot where he was. He hears Bobby order him to help Eddie clean up the scene. Buck shakes himself out of his self-induced anxiety and busies himself cleaning up the blood. 

He hates how his hands are shaking as he continues to wipe the already spotless floor. 

Buck pulls himself out of his head when he hears the truck start. He looks up and sees the team packing up and beginning to get in. 

“Buck let’s go!” Bobby yells back at Buck and it takes him longer than he would like to have to gather himself from up the ground and climb into the truck. Inside the truck, Hen is driving and Chim in riding shotgun, bantering like nothing is wrong. In the back, Eddie is seated next to Bobby, who is looking at his phone. 

_No one asked if he was ok because no one paid attention to him_

_They were ignoring him_

_Just like everyone did_

After his shift was over, he didn’t want to go home right away 

He needed a drink 

{~}{~} 

One drink in and he wanted to go home. In retrospect, this probably wasn’t the best idea but it’s not like he had anything else to do nor anyone to see. He was nursing his second drink but it was mostly watered down due to how long he had been staring into it. He moved his drink to the side and let his head thump onto the table. 

_Ugh I should go home...but I don’t_ _want to_ _move_

“Buckley?” Buck picks up his head at the voice who interrupted his thoughts. He looked to his side and saw someone he almost forgot about. 

“Bosko?” Buck remembers her as the person that was trying to replace him. But after he thought long and hard about it, he understood where the captain was coming from. The 118 was shorthanded and they needed someone to fill in for him. 

_It just hurts seeing how easily replaceable he was_

“Not in the mood for drinking tonight?” Lena asked as she took a seat that was offered to her. Buck remembered having a conversation with Lena a few times, he got to know her a little and they ended up becoming decent acquaintances. 

“Thought a drink was what I needed after today but now I’m not so sure...” Buck trails off as he orders water. Lena does the same. 

“Rough day?” Lena asks as she steals a cherry from over the bar. 

“Yea...it was my first call after...after everything that happened and I know I should be happy but...I didn’t feel anything.” Lena nods and listens as Buck explains how the past 3 months went. 

“Can I give you some advice?” Lena asks as she downs the rest of her drink. 

“If it’s the same advice you gave Eddie I’m not interested” 

“You know about that? I swear I-” Buck holds a hand up to stop her. 

“I know you didn’t think he was going to take it that far. I don’t blame, I don’t think anyone does because it was his own decision to continue stepping into the ring. It’s not your fault Lena, you only suggested something but I think he took it a step too far. I’m just glad he got help before something more serious happened.” 

“S-so you know about the guy?” Buck nods yes and Lena sags. 

“I know it’s silly but I’m relieved that you don’t blame me for what he did” 

“No, I never did” 

“Then why did you hate me when you first walked into the station?” Lena asks as she scoots closer to him to hear him better over the music that’s growing louder. 

“Honestly? I don’t know...it’s a lot of things but mostly it because I was jealous. Not of you or how you had Eddie’s back because deep down I knew you were at least a decent person to have his back” Lena flicks him in the arm “But I just got so jealous and angry but sad seeing your name taped over mine...it was stupid” 

“To be fair, I think that was a pretty shitty thing for them to do. And I told them that I wasn’t 100% comfortable with taking someone else's locker but they said you wouldn’t mind” 

“Looking back, I don’t...but it just hurt seeing how replaceable I was...am...ugh I hate this” 

“Well...back to what I was saying earlier, I think you need to talk to someone. While that didn’t work out so hot for me, I think you’ll benefit from it. Here are two numbers, one of them is for an individual session and the other is for group therapy. Pick your poison.” Lena says as she texts Buck some phone numbers. Buck tucks his phone away and looks to Lena who is nibbling on her cherry stem. 

“Why are you helping me?” Buck asks in curiosity 

“Honestly, I know what it’s like to struggle with PTSD and there’s no one there. I deal with mine with fighting, looking at you, I don’t think it’s the best option but I do think you’ll benefit from group therapy, it shows you that you aren’t alone in whatever it is you’re going through” Lena finishes as she down a shot of a random alcohol she ordered earlier. 

“Lena....thank you” 

“What are friends for?” 

{~}{~} 

When he told Maddie that he’s thinking of attending a group therapy session, she was completely supportive of the idea and offered to drop him off at his first therapy session. He had agreed and here they are. 

“I’ll wait here for you Buck,” Maddie said as she pulled into the parking lot of the building. Buck had been in his head for the whole ride, he was anxious. 

“No you don’t have to, I’d want you to enjoy your day off doing something else.” 

“Buck, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. You helped me out with my shit, now I’m helping you with yours” Maddie says as she squeezes Buck’s arm in reassurance. Buck nods and steadily gets out of the car and makes his way to the entrance of the building. He looked back at Maddie who gave him a thumbs up from the car. He opens the door and follows the signs for the meeting. 

{~}{~} 

It wasn’t what he was expecting. He expected a bland plain white painted room that you would see on tv with no windows in the basement of an abandoned church. But when he walked in, the scent of old books and pine hit him and he instantly felt calm. It's a room that is surrounded by wood and a cabin aesthetic. There were bookshelves filled with books and various knick-knacks with a clock on the back wall suspended over a fireplace. He looks around and takes a seat at one of the brown leather couches, fiddling with his hands. Buck sees a pair of boots step in front of him, he looks up and sees a man in front of him. 

“You’re new here. Hi, I’m Mike, I’m the host of these sessions.” Mike sticks out his hand for Buck to shake, he takes it, introducing himself. “So what brings you here today Evan?” 

“You can call me Buck. And to be honest with you I’m not entirely sure...I’m a positive person but lately, everything has begun to feel tiring” 

“I see. Well you did the right thing by coming here” 

“Therapy hasn’t worked for me...” His mind flashes back to that time he was forced to sleep with a woman in order to keep his job. Mike senses his hesitation 

“Tell you what, you try coming to these meetings for at least one month, then you let me know how much you do or don’t want to be here. You don’t have to go up and speak today but when you are ready, you can. Sound fair?” Buck thinks it over. Mike is giving him the option and it’s up to him. 

Buck agrees 

{~}{~} 

After two meetings, Buck dares to get up, stand in the middle of the room and say: 

_Hi...I’m Evan Buckley and I have PTSD_

{~}{~} 

He hadn’t told anyone from the 118 that he had been attending group therapy for almost 3 months. 

He hadn’t told them that it’s been helping. 

He doesn’t tell them that he’s never felt better-having people talk to. 

He feels validated. 

He feels that he's found a family again 

He’s not alone anymore. 

Buck would always shrug when the 118 asked why he’s been looking better 

_I’ve been sleeping a little better_

And it isn’t a lie, his nightmares have been disappearing steadily and the years of tension had been slowly leaving his body. The team had started to slowly talk to him again. Hen had handed him a controller to play a game with her. Chim had claimed he could beat him at pool and Bobby was showing him how to cook again. 

_But Eddie was still a little bit of a mystery_

Eddie had begun to invite him over to the house more, he would bring Christopher over to Buck’s house when he had the day off, and the bantering had begun again. Buck had begun to remember why he fell for Eddie which had been pushed in the back of his mind after his insecurities and self-doubts had manifested in his mind. And he still wasn’t sure if Eddie felt the same but he had a little bit of help. When Eddie would pat him on the back, his hand would linger. He would always sit a little too close to Buck (not that he was complaining), and the outings with Christopher started up again. 

_But it felt like a wall was still in between Buck and the team_

Buck hoped that he would never have to tell them that he had been going to therapy and it had been the best thing that he possibly could have done because he’s finally looking after his mental health for the first time in ever. He wants something to keep to himself that the team doesn’t know about. 

_But knowing his steady stream of bad luck, it was only a matter of time before they found out because that’s where the next call is._

{~}{~} 

The 118 pulls into the parking lot of the YMCA and gets flagged down by someone near the front door. As they storm inside the building, Buck tries to keep his head down because he sees several staff members that he’s gotten to know very well over the past months look at him. They enter a room he’s all too familiar with and they see a very pregnant woman on the ground. 

“We were just talking when her water broke, she can’t drive to the hospital,” says a man to her right. 

“You did the right thing by calling us,” Bobby says as he turns to his team. 

“Hen you assist with the birth, Chim get ready to transport, Eddie keeps an eye on her vitals and Buck-” Bobby’s sentence was cut short when the woman on the ground shouted. 

“Evan!” Buck was instantly at her side, she reached out her hand and he instantly took it. 

“Don’t worry Itzel, you’re doing great.” 

Hen tells the woman that she needs to continue to push and to remain calm. 

“You heard her Itzel, so talk to me. How are you doing? You’ve been coming to therapy for almost a month” Itzel bites back a scream of pain. 

“I-I’m doing better. I’m starting to see my therapist again. A-and I finally asked Devin to be my girlfriend” Itzel grunted in pain. 

“Just a little more,” Hen says 

“What did she say?” 

“She said yes. Can you please call her?” 

“Of course, I will. Want me to call your aunt Linda too?” 

“Yes, plea-” Itzel’s sentence gets cut off when she pushes one last time and she hears a baby’s scream. She sags against Buck who is instantly supporting her. 

“Congratulations you have a beautiful healthy boy” Hen says as Chim wraps the baby up in some cloth. 

“You hear that Itzel? You did great! Now you need to go to the hospital because they need to make sure you’re ok. Ready?” Itzel nods as Buck helps her onto a backboard. Eddie and Chim lift her onto the gurney and wheel outside towards the ambulance. Buck puts away his phone after he texts the two people. He feels a hand on his shoulder and when he looks behind him it’s Mike. 

“Do you think she’ll be ok?” asks Mike watching the ambulance leave out the window. 

“She’ll be fine. I already called Devin and Linda. They’re on their way” Mike nods and turns towards the 118 still standing by the door. 

_Shit...they hadn’t left? Please don’t ask...don’t say anything_

“So this is the 118 you’ve told us about” Mike gestures to the group and Buck can see Eddie and Bobby tense. Hen and Chim have busied themselves with cleaning up the scene. But they are still within earshot. No one says anything for a while and Mike is oblivious to the tension. 

“We were in the middle of a session when Itzel’s water broke. Thanks for being here Buck, and thanks to the rest of you. Buck has told us so much about you” With that being said, Mike walks away. 

_Fuck why did he say that?! Now I’ll need to tell them what I’ve been doing_

With Mike gone, Buck is left alone with Eddie and Bobby. 

It gets super awkward fast and Buck can feel his anxiety climb. He needs to leave but he can’t move. Buck takes a seat at one of the tables. 

“Ok...before anyone says anything. This isn’t-” Buck begins to explain but it gets cut off by Eddie, who sighs deeply. Buck knows he’s going to regret it but he asks: 

“What? Is there a problem?” 

“Yea you’re the problem. Damn it, Buck, I thought you were over this” 

“Over what?” 

“This whole thing. I thought you were over the lawsuit. I thought you were done coming after us!” Eddie says as he rubs his two fingers up and down his nose in frustration. 

“Wh-I am this isn’t that. It’s-” 

“You told that lawyer personal information about us last time, how would this be any different?” 

“First off, this isn’t that and second-” 

“You filed a lawsuit to put us in a bad position with Bobby and made him out to be the bad guy. That woman we just helped; did you knock her up? Is that why you knew her?” Eddie asks beginning to raise his voice. Bobby sees the situation is starting to escalate. He puts a hand on Eddie’s shoulder to calm him down but Eddie brushes it off. Buck wants to explain, but he can’t because he is still mad at him. He just sits there and listens to his rant. 

“Eddie please let me expl-” 

“Explain what? How you’re seeing people and bitching about us behind our backs? Everything we’ve ever told you, you’re going to turn around and spill it to strangers? How you’re still selfish? I thought that you’ve changed, but you’re still the same selfish asshole that only thinks of himself! You didn’t think of m-Christopher back then and you don’t think about him now! So tell me, what the fuck are you doing here?” Eddie demanded as he took deep breaths. Buck didn’t know what Eddie said, but at that second, Buck was done. 

“Fuck you,” Buck says as he stands up and faces Eddie. No one was expecting that. 

“Excuse me?” 

“I said fuck you! How can you stand there and berate my choice to sue the city when all I wanted to do was GET BACK TO YOU. You said that I wasn’t around for you but neither were you! Every time I got injured on the job, with my leg, and with my pulmonary embolism, I woke up ALONE in that hospital room. When I was going through physical therapy, I was by myself. You tell me I’m selfish for suing the city when you were pulling that street fighting bullshit. You’re a fucking hypocrite Eddie!” Buck takes a step back to put some space between them. Eddie’s eyes are wide at this point. 

“This whole time, I’ve felt like I was alone. The nightmares of the damn tsunami and firetruck came back and everything got harder to do. I almost forgot what it’s like to exist without the nightmares and trauma. I’ve told all of you how sorry I was...am, but it still isn’t enough for you right? Nothing I ever do is going to be good enough for you, is it? I thought that after these 2.5 months of you inviting me to the house and spending time with Christopher that you had at least began to trust me again. Even if we are never going to have what we once had, being your friend and spending time with you was enough for me to keep going. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't ok...because I'm not." Buck takes a deep breath to steady himself. "I...I had a flashback to that time of the bombing because of that guy under the beams, and none of you noticed that I was stuck in a flashback. By the time I pulled myself out of it, you were all in the truck without me. That's when I realized that this couldn't go on..." 

"W-what can't go on?" asked Hen as she saw that Eddie was incapable of forming speech right now. 

"I couldn't keep lying to myself saying that I'm ok when I'm not. I tried...I tried to get over it but I can't...not after everything. So I started coming here and it's been helping. I started talking to people about what I was feeling and it's been helping." 

"Why didn't you come to us?" asked Eddie but immediately regrets it when he sees Buck's eyes harden. 

"Would any of you have listened?" Buck could see Eddie working on a response, but nothing came out. So Buck decided he would continue, "Would you have listened without telling me to suck it up or get over myself?” Buck looks at Eddie when he says this, but Eddie doesn’t meet his eyes. 

_He can’t_

Buck turns away from them and wraps his arms around in midsection in a form of self-protection. No one says anything for a while until they hear someone enter through the doors. They look to see Lena and Maddie walking in. 

“Lena?” asks Eddie as she approaches them, but she doesn’t acknowledge him. “Lena...can I just say that I’m-” Eddie was about to apologize for what he had said so many weeks ago to her. But she puts her hand up to stop him 

“I’m not here for you Diaz,” Lena says in a hard voice as she turns away from the 118. They look at Buck hidden in the corner with his head down. She slowly walks over to him and simply sits next to him. He eventually lifts his head enough to look at her. 

“Hey heard there was a call here. Just wanted to make sure you’re ok” 

“I’m fine...” Buck says in a quiet voice. 

"Are you?" Lena asks skeptically. 

"Not really, but I'll be fine after tomorrow" Buck responds sadly and Lena nods in acknowledgment. 

“I know you came directly from the station and you’re off now...want us to drive you home?” She asks and he nods. “Ok, here are my keys go wait in the car, I need to grab my bag.” She then gets up from the chair and extends her hand to Buck, which he takes. 

“Can we stop and see Waffle before I go home?” She nods and hands him her keys. He walks out of the room. 

“What did you do?” Lena immediately asks as she turns to face the rest of the 118. 

“You know he was doing so well...he finally got help after all the shit he’s been through. He stopped having so many nightmares, he’s sleeping better at night...he’s getting better” Maddie cuts in. 

“How did he even find this place?” Chimney speaks up hesitantly. 

“I told him about it,” Lena says and Eddie looks to her in shock. Lena explains how she ran into him in the unofficial LAFD dive bar and she set him up with this place. 

“I thought you said you didn’t believe in therapy,” Eddie said sarcastically, cutting himself out of his self-deprecating reverie. 

“I don’t. As in for me. Traditional therapy didn’t and still doesn’t work for me. I saw Buck and I told him about this. Street fighting was never on the table for him” 

“But you recommended it to me?” Eddie says, annoyance and anger seeping in. 

“And what a mistake that was” Lena fires back and that stops Eddie short. 

“Listen...I know what Evan wasn’t the smartest thing to do. But even after all he did and all he’s been through, I’m glad he’s finally getting help...he needs it” Maddie spoke up as she looked to the room. 

“I can see why he would never come to you guys...I remember what you said to him in the grocery store Diaz...you told him to suck it up and get over himself...look where that got you” Lena says as she gives him a disappointed stare. She shakes her head and turns to leave. 

“Who’s Waffle?” Maddie asks as she steps beside Lena. 

“My pet corn snake. Buck kind of likes him” Lena responds and turns the corner and steps out of sight but Maddie stays behind. 

“Evan has the day off tomorrow so he’s staying with me. He’s coming to his weekly PTSD group therapy meeting tomorrow. As much as I don’t want him seeing any of you, I know you’ll want a chance to make things right. You better do so before it’s too late and he ends up transferring out of the station” Maddie finishes off as she leaves. 

_The echo of the door slam can be heard as a deep empty echo_

They had to fix this... 

_But how?_

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!  
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Song: Breathe No More ~ Evanescence


	2. Chapter 2

“...I’ve been coming to these meetings for almost 3 months...but it’s still a little hard to talk about these things' sometimes,” Buck said as he rubbed the back of his neck. Eddie and the rest were sitting in the back near the shadows. Buck hadn’t seen them yet. 

“Start from the beginning Buck” someone spoke up from the front. It was Mike 

“Ok...well...as some of you know, I’m a first responder with the LAFD and I love my job. It’s one of the few things in my life that I can be proud of and I know it sounds silly because some people say it’s just a job. And when some people lose the job that makes them feel like they matter...they may not know how to do anything. For me...being a firefighter is the only thing I’ve done in my life that makes me feel like I matter. But almost a year ago as some of you may have seen on the news...my leg was crushed by a firetruck after a bomb went off. After 5 months of fighting, I had a major setback and I couldn’t work...I was depressed. I didn’t want to get out of bed for a long time...but a friend of mine convinced me to go out with his son. We were supposed to go to the movies but he wanted to go to the pier...that was the day the tsunami happened.” Buck takes a shaky breath. 

“It’s been almost four months and I’ve done everything in my power to try and not be triggered by the simple sounds of water. I’ve been going to the beach and pools...showering and drinking water isn’t hard anymore...but when I hear the sound of rain outside, I freeze and I’m suddenly back there” Buck lets out a bitter laugh. “I remember when I told my best friend...the guy that means more to me than anything...that I lost his son. I was supposed to take care of him but I failed him in that. He still trusts me to look after him but every time he leaves me with him, I get so scared that somehow I’ll lose him again even when we’re doing nothing but watching TV...that’s stupid isn’t it?” 

“Of course, not Buck...everyone has different triggers for different reasons...we’ve all been through something here and instead of bottling it in, we’re talking about it,” Mike says as he gestures to the room. Everyone nods in encouragement for him to continue. 

“After I agreed to light duty...I found out that my captain was the reason I couldn’t go back to work...the guy I look to as a father figure didn’t even tell me. Now I see why he did what he did but I wish he would have talked to me about it first...he didn’t even tell the team...he made the choice for me without even telling me...that’s why I made the dumbass decision to sue the department. I just wanted my job back...to be back with the people I care about...but then after I dropped that lawsuit I ran into them in a grocery store and my best friend yelled at me, telling me that even though all of them had problems they never whined or complained about it...he told me to suck it up.” Buck rapidly blinked as he felt tears welling up in his eyes. “And I wanted to...god I wanted to suck it up and get over it...but when I tried to, I was becoming someone I wasn’t happy to look at in the mirror...I was becoming my father...” Buck swallowed tightly. 

“He always told me...he would always tell me that real men don’t cry...well I did...I cried a lot because I hated the person I was becoming...I promised myself that I wouldn’t become my father because every time I look in the mirror, I see how the result of what bottling it in did to him...and me” Buck pointed to the mark on his head. “This isn’t a birthmark...I just tell people that because of it easier than facing what happened that night...it’s kind of why I admire one of my close friends...he’s so proud of a scar on his forehead. Shows it off every time he can and always brags about how he survived...and I wish I was more like him.” 

“Is there anything else you want to tell us, Buck?” Mike asks after a moment. 

“There’s so much more I want to say...like how the other day I was a call where a guy got stuck under some beams and I almost got stuck in a flashback...but no one on my team noticed...how it’s hard for me to get into a firetruck all the time because I’m so scared it’s going to happen again. How it’s hard watching an action movie with explosions because every time I hear one, I expect that I’m under the truck. How the simple look of the water is terrifying...how sometimes it’s too much and I want to do nothing but curl in bed and die because I can’t live like this anymore!” Buck raised his voice at that last part and collapsed in the chair that someone had put out for him. 

The 118 had been listening for the entire time. They didn’t know the extent of things that Buck had gone through 

_They had no idea..._

{~}{~} 

Buck and Mike were the last ones in the room, or so they thought. Buck had volunteered to help Mike clean up the chairs and tables because he was in no rush to get home. Before Mike had left the room, he spoke to Buck: 

“Remember Buck...you’re allowed to cry, kick and scream. You are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to cope with your emotions. You are allowed to sleep for days if it makes you feel better. You are allowed to ignore people if you have nothing to say to them. You are allowed to feel things even if others don’t without feeling guilty about it. It’s ok to feel all the things you’re feeling. And if you ever need someone to talk to, you have us. You also have your team...” Mike breaks eye contact with Buck and turns his head towards the team standing by the corner. Buck is looking down, not seeing what Mike is looking at. 

“I don’t think I can...I don’t think they will want to hear me out...because Eddie was right...they all have their problems and they have their own ways of dealing with them...they have people that are willing to listen to them...my captain has his wife...others have their wives or girlfriends or kids...I don’t have anyone to go home to or talk to...” Buck says as he sighs and rubs the back of his neck. Mike places his hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey...you always have us...you always have a place here with us ok?” Buck nods as Mike gently shoves his shoulder. Mike takes his leave and Buck is left alone in the room. He is about to turn to leave when he is startled. He comes face to face with his team, and no one says anything. No one knows how to start this conversation that they need to have. 

Eddie steadies himself as he steps forward and tries to ignore the tensing of Buck’s shoulders. Before Eddie can say anything, Buck starts 

“How much did you hear?” Buck asks, not making eye contact with anyone, instead of fixing his gaze on something on the floor. 

“Enough…” Bobby said speaking up. Buck nods but doesn’t say anything else. 

“Sorry, Maddie told us about how you were going to be here and we wanted to come to see you,” Bobby speaks up. 

“Why?” Buck looks up genuinely confused. 

“We want to say we were sorry, but we also want to understand what you’re going through” Chim pipes in. Buck nods but doesn’t say anything. 

“I…uh I’m sorry that I lashed out on you guys yesterday…I didn’t-“ Buck begins but gets interrupted by Eddie speaking up. 

“NO! Don’t you dare be sorry for our mistakes Buck. We’re the ones that messed up. And yes, we have forgiven you for the lawsuit…but” Eddie stops short 

“We held on to a stupid grudge because it was easier than admitting we were wrong. When we realized how this was affecting you, we let you back in…but we never officially apologized for putting you through all that shit...so we’re sorry.” Chim speaks up. 

“We’re not mad at you Buck...but you can be mad at us for as long as you need to,” Hen says chiming in. Buck was about to say something but Hen spoke: “You have a heart of gold Buckaroo and we know that you’ll forgive us in an instant...so feel free to hold onto being mad for a while.” Hen says as she squeezes Buck in a hug. 

“Thanks, Hen...but I can’t be mad...I don’t want to hold onto the anger because...uh” Buck hesitated, he wanted to tell them that he can’t hold on to negative emotions because that’s what his father did and his family paid the price for it. But Bobby puts a hold on his shoulder and squeezes it gently: 

“It’s ok Buck, you don’t need to explain yourself. We’re just glad you’re getting help. And even though we hope that you can talk to us one day, I’m glad you have someone in your corner” 

{~}{~} 

Buck is picking up the dishes from his living room while Eddie is putting Christopher to bed. Eddie had asked Buck if he could bring Christopher over to hang out and have pizza. Eddie knows he played dirty because when it comes to Christopher, Buck will never say no. They spent the whole night watching cartoons then playing video games. 

_At least after their strange yet flirty conversation in the kitchen..._

When Buck finishes putting away the clean dishes in his cabinets, he turns around and comes face to face with Eddie, a foot or two away from him. 

“It’s getting late, so I’ll take the couch,” Eddie says as he points to the aforementioned furniture. Buck is sure he’s imagining things but he swears he hears doubt and uncertainty masked when Eddie says this. Buck is about to nod ok, but his brain is screaming at him to take the chance. 

“O-or you can sleep in my bed...i-if you want to...it’s big enough for two” 

_Fuck why did I say that?_

_“_ Are you sure?” Eddie asks, heart slightly pounding 

“Yea...I don’t mind it.” Buck wipes his palms on his pants, hoping to mask the fact that they are sweating like crazy. Buck takes Eddie by the wrist and leads him upstairs to the bed. 

{~}{~} 

“Buck?” Eddie asks after a few moments of laying in the same bed with the lights off. The street lights of the outside are shining a shadow in Buck’s room. If Eddie looks hard enough, he can see Buck’s form a few inches away from him. When Buck doesn’t respond: “Buck?” 

“Yea?” Buck says and Eddie can hear the quietness in it. 

“Would it be ok if I held you?” Eddie asks and Buck gives his consent. Eddie slowly inches closer to Buck, giving him plenty of time to back out...he doesn’t. Buck fits perfectly in between Eddie’s arms, their legs tangling and breathes synchronizing. 

“Why do you want me to hurt you so badly?” Eddie asks, picking up on what Buck meant back in the kitchen. Buck seems to shrink and Eddie knows it was the wrong thing to ask. Buck speaks before he can take it back: 

“The last time my father wanted me to be sorry about something, he gave me this” Buck points to the mark on his head. “Remember when you heard what I said in the session today. I accidentally knocked over his favorite whiskey and broke the bottle. He cut me with the shards and now every time I look in the mirror...I’m reminded of how I needed to be hurt in order for him to know how sorry I was...” Buck says as he buries his eyes deeper into Eddie’s neck. He squeezes him tighter. 

“Buck I need you to know something...” Eddie says, hoping Buck will look up, but he doesn’t. Eddie sighs but continues: “I would never intentionally hurt you as he did. I would never put my hands on you Evan” Buck’s breathing hitches. “And this” Eddie runs his thumb over Buck’s mark “Is one of the many things that make you amazing,” Eddie says as he runs his hands through Buck’s hair. 

“What’s happening Eddie?” Buck asks as he looks up and locks eyes with Eddie. 

“I don’t know what happening right now Evan but...do you want to figure it out together?” Eddie asks inching closer to Buck. 

“I’d like that...” their lips meet and it’s everything they’d hoped it would be. While they always imagined their first kiss against a fire truck or on a date, this was everything. Eddie grabs the sides of Buck’s head and brings It closer to him. When they both pull away for air, Eddie immediately kisses Buck’s mark and the area around it. 

“I love this part of you...even if you hate it...I love the parts you hate about yourself Evan” Eddie whispers and Buck nearly cries. 

_I’ll love the parts you hate about yourself until you love them too_

_“_ We’re in this together ok?” Eddie says as he feels the tug of sleep pulling at him. 

“Yea...together” 

_Anything is possible when they work at it together._

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!  
Got a request? DM me on my [Tumblr](https://chitownwolf.tumblr.com/)!

*INBOX CLOSED UNTIL I CATCH UP*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This might be the last story that I post for at least until December because college finals are in two weeks and I must prepare! Thanks for understanding!


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